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The Worlds of Gilbert and Sullivan

Of all the patter songs¹ written by Gilbert & Sullivan this, the Nightmare Song from Iolanthe, must be the most famous. Visitors may need a little practice before being able to claim full competence at fitting all the words to the music!

If you don't wish to achieve this level of perfection and aren't too impressed with the melody, just listen to that superb accompaniment. The orchestration is of course a MusicSmiles arrangement (and we have allowed our percussion section just a little license to have a bit of a fling)². The words are now a little outdated, nevertheless it is tremendous fun, and we must remember that this was an age when steam, steamships, the railways, gas lighting, electric lighting, bicycles and motor cars, were just making their first appearances, and were cutting edge technology.

Whatever you think of this type of song (patter songs are both loved and hated) we hope you will enjoy joining William and Arthur's Chancellor, and have all the fun of singing one yourself (male or female). Take a deep breath and go for it . . .

Nightmare Song
Short Introduction . . .

Recit: Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest:
Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers:
Love, nightmare like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!
Short Interlude . . .

Song:    When you're lying awake with a dismal headache,
And repose is taboo'd by anxiety,
I conceive you may use any language you choose
To indulge in, without impropriety;
For your brain is on fire - the bedclothes conspire - 
of usual slumber to plunder you:
First your counterpane goes, and uncovers your toes,
And your sheet slips demurely from under you;
Then the blanketing tickles - you feel like mixed pickles - 
So terribly sharp is the pricking,
And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss
Till there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking.

Then the bedclothes all all creep to the ground in a heap,
And you pick 'em all up in a tangle;
Next your pillow resigns and politely declines
To remain at its usual angle!
Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze,
With hot eyeballs and head ever aching,
But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams
That you'd very much better be waking;
For you dream you are crossing the Channel,
And tossing about in a steamer from Harwich - 
Which is something between a large bathing machine
And a very small second class carriage - 
And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat)
To a party of friends and relations - 
They're a ravenous horde -  and they all came on board
At Sloane Square and South Kensington Stations.

And bound on that journey you find your attorney
(Who started that morning from Devon;)
He's a bit undersiz'd, and you don't feel surpris'd
When he tells you he's only eleven.
Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad
(bye-the-bye the ship's now a four-wheeler,)
And you're playing round games, and he calls you bad names,
When you tell him that "ties pay the dealer;"

But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand,
And you find you're as cold as an icicle;
In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks,)
Crossing Sal'sbury Plain on a bicycle:
And he and the crew are on bicycles too - 
Which they've somehow or other invested in - 
And he's telling the tars, all the particulars
Of a company he's interested in - 
It's a scheme of devices, to get at low prices,
All goods from cough mixtures to cables
(Which tickled the sailors) by treating retailers,
As though they were all vegetables - 

You get a good spades-man to plant a small trades-man,
(First take off his boots with a boot-tree,)
And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot,
And they'll blossom and bud like a fruit tree - 
From the green-grocer tree you get grapes and green-pea,
Cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,
While the pastry-cook plant, cherry brandy will grant,
Apple puffs, and three-corners, and banburys - 
The shares are a penny, and ever so many
Are taken by Rothschild and Baring,
And just as a few are allotted to you,
You awake with a shudder despairing - 

You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck,
And no wonder you snore, for your head's on the floor,
And you've needles and pins from your soles to your shins,
And your flesh is a-creep, for your left leg's asleep,
And you've cramp in your toes, and a fly on your nose,
And some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue,
And a thirst that's intense, and a general sense
That you haven't been sleeping in clover;

But the darkness has pass'd
And it's daylight at last,
And the night has been long - 
Ditto, ditto my song - 
And thank goodness they're both of them over!

There's a touch of something we've all experienced in this song, isn't there? 

Hope you'll have another go, now you're getting the hang of it . . .

And now's the time to recognise   When Britain Ruled  . . .!!

Footnote 1.    This statement has been challenged. At least two other contenders for the title have been suggested. Your comments will be very welcome. Our sources define a patter song as: A song, usually from an comic opera, using the largest number of words sung in the shortest possible time. A rapid iteration of words - the music being only lightly supportive. Examples exist in Haydn, Mozart and Rossini operas. There are, say the sources, many in the Gilbert & Sullivan operettas. An example given is: 'My Name is John Wellington Wells' from The Sorcerer.   Foot-footnote: The term is derived from Patter which is described as an obsolete verb intransitive: to gabble the Lord's Prayer or other prayers. Scribe offers no further comment! Return to Story.

Footnote 2.    You may have heard the story about the young Dr Malcolm Sargent: He was asked to conduct the Savoy Operas in 1962. A lifelong fan of G&S, Dr (later Sir Malcolm) Sargent willingly agreed. The newspapers, the day after the first performance, slated him for re-orchestrating Sullivan. He was completely taken aback, but Mr Rupert D'Oyly Carte immediately responded by saying that Dr Sargent had followed the original manuscripts of Sir Arthur Sullivan. The series was a great success! In other words Arthur also had a lot of fun orchestrating these operas, which sometimes went un-noticed. See the MusicSmiles bibliography for further details p 413 Leslie Baily. Return to Story.

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